You Shouldn't Do That
by DreamerKitten
Summary: Harm finds a very doubtful way to deal with his feelings.


Title: You Shouldn't Do That  
Author: Aikaterini  
e-mail: militarygirl1905@yahoo.com   
Rating: PG-13 - some swearwords and alcohol (but not much - it was important for the storyline)   
Spoiler: 'Death Watch', 'Legacy 1&2' & all the other episodes were something about Harm Sr. was mentioned.  
Pairing: Harm/Mac  
Summary: Harm finds a very doubtful way to deal with his feelings  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these wonderful characters. DPB, CBS, Paramount etc. have all the rights!  
Author's Notes: I know it's a bad storyline, but I just had to write it! :) I really had to get it out of my system, so here it is!  
A big thanks to Chris, Rachel and Sarah for the beta reading!   
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Flight to Dulles International  
  
  
  
Harm sat in his seat besides Mac and pretended to read an article in the paper. He didn't know what the whole article was about, but he didn't want to talk to anyone, so therefore he had two options: Sleeping or pretending to read. Since he wasn't even a bit tired, he decided to do the latter. He knew that Mac couldn't be fooled so easily, but he had to try it, whether he was successful or not. Wait! How long was he staring at the same page now? Probably way too long and Mac should be very suspicious by now! Just as this thought had crossed his mind, he heard someone speaking to him.  
  
"Harm? Do you wanna talk about it?" Mac asked.  
  
"Talk? About what? About this article? I don't think so, Mac." Harm looked down and saw for the first time what kind of article it was.  
  
"You don't want me to believe that, do you? I mean I know that men today are much more understanding than a hundred years before, but this is an article about how to deal with PMS. So, you think I want to talk about that with you. Seriously, Harm. What is bothering you? You've been so quiet since we left Moscow. Not that I mind that you are quiet, but it's unusual for you. Especially now that you have found the brother you never knew. You really don't want to talk about it?" Mac tried to be as careful as possible, because she knew Harm all too well. If he was in a bad mood and didn't want to talk about something, it was useless. It could make everything much worse than it already was.  
  
"No, I don't want to talk about it! So please leave it! If I want to tell you what is bothering me, and notice that I said 'if', I will do it when I want to do it. And now is not the time I want to talk, so stop asking, will you?!" Harm practically yelled at her. That was it. She had overstepped her bounds. And it wasn't a tiny step. Regarding the volume in which he yelled at her, it was a very large step and she knew she should be quiet now. Maybe she should be quiet for the rest of the flight or even for the rest of her life. She didn't want to test her luck, so she began to read another article in her paper.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Harm risked a side-glance at Mac and watched her for a few minutes. He knew that Mac felt his eyes on her, but she wouldn't say anything. Not after his outburst a few minutes earlier. What was he thinking, yelling at her like that? Was he insane to do that? God, he loved that woman with all his heart, and then he yelled at her because she was concerned for him?! He should apologize, but he hadn't even a clue how to do that. He never liked to apologize for something. Most of the time, he felt too embarrassed to do that. With an apology, he had to admit that he made a mistake, and in this case, it was a very big mistake. He could only hope that he could put it right before it was too late.  
  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
The following Monday  
JAG Headquarters  
1504 Zulu (10:04 AM EST)  
  
Mac sat in her office when someone knocked at the door.  
  
"Come in." Mac put her pen down and looked at Tiner who had opened the door.  
  
"The Admiral wants to see you, ma'am." Tiner said to her.  
  
"Thank you, Tiner. I'll be right there."  
  
She put the file that she was reading when Tiner entered aside and stood up to go to the Admiral. When she stepped out of her office, she glanced at Harm's office and wondered for the umpteenth time what was wrong with him. She knew that he was mad at her for her pushing him to tell her what was bothering him on the plane, but that was already a few days ago. And he wasn't just avoiding her, but everyone here at JAG, as well. When someone asked him something, he only gave very short answers or said nothing. Everyone was worried about him, but nobody had a clue of what was wrong with him.  
  
As soon as she entered the Admiral's office, she stood at attention in front of his desk.  
  
  
"Lt. Colonel Mackenzie reporting as ordered, sir."  
  
"At ease, Colonel." Admiral Chegwidden looked up at her, and she could see the worry in his eyes. Has she done something wrong? Not that she knew of. What happened? Mac had already thought about the worst, when the Admiral spoke up again. "I think you noticed that the Commander isn't himself since your return from Russia, and since I never asked what happened while you were there, I don't know the tiniest bit, and I honestly don't want to know, because it's his private business. Well, at least in some way. I would never ask you this if there was another way, but there isn't another one, so I have to do this. What happened there that could distress Commander Rabb so much? He doesn't talk to anyone in this office and when I talk to him, he is very quiet and gives only monosyllabic answers to my questions. I don't want to push him for anything, although I should do it as his CO, but he is one of my best officers and when he acts like that, something must be very wrong with him."  
  
  
"Sir, I noticed that, too, but I don't know the reason for it. At first, I thought it was just me, because I tried to talk to him about the whole thing on the plane back home, but he is doing this with everyone now. I thought about asking him what this means and if I can help him, but I know that he will shut me out of his world. Especially now that he is angry with me. I'm sorry, sir. I can't help you this time. He won't talk to me." Mac stated and tried to keep the tears back that were coming to her eyes. She felt hurt and worried at the same time. She wanted to know what was wrong, but nobody could tell her, except the person she was worried about, and he didn't want to talk to her. Oh what a wonderful world!  
  
"Listen to me, Colonel." The Admiral spoke with a softer voice than before. " You are the only one who can talk him into opening up and telling you about his problems. He needs to do that, because if he doesn't, he will go crazy after a certain time. He has to speak to someone and I don't think he would appreciate it if I would order him to go to a psychologist. Try to talk to him. Don't do it here, 'cause he won't talk to you, of that I am sure. But if you go to him after work, you'll have a much bigger chance that he will open up."  
  
"I can try it, sir, but I can't promise anything. It is possible that it could be worse than before."  
  
"I know, but you have to try it. Dismissed."  
  
"Aye, sir."   
  
Mac left the Admiral's office and crossed the bullpen to her own office. She glanced at Harm's office again, but it seemed vacant. She knew that he was there, but he had the blinds down and no sound was coming from within the small room. What was he doing in there? He doesn't leave his office for the whole day. He always came in the morning, and not even punctual, and left very late in the evening, so Mac never really had the chance to say much to him. He rebuffed the only people who were trying to talk to him when he came to work in the morning, and that was the routine for the last few days.   
  
She needed to talk to him. The Admiral was right. She would do it tonight.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Harm's apartment  
0017 Zulu (07:17 PM EST)  
  
Harm was sprawled out on his couch in his living room and staring at the ceiling, when someone knocked at his door. He didn't need anyone right now. He was content with everything he got. He had himself and that was enough. He had himself and a bottle of JD. Since his return from Russia, he thought about his miserable life and what he could do about it. The results of that thought weren't nice. He lost his father many years ago, he found out that he had a half brother in Russia, the woman he was in love with didn't love him and to make it worse: She was engaged to one of the most annoying people he ever met in his life. What was this? A conspiracy against him? Great, if he would drink more, he would start to see little flying objects in front of his window, and maybe someone would start calling him Spooky. Hey, maybe he would have the chance to meet someone like that petit redhead. Now, that was Bud's fault! He was watching this creepy show about UFO's and aliens and other things while he was visiting his godson. His godson, yes! That was something in his life that made it worth living! But he was still too small to know what happened here.  
  
The pounding was still there. Would this person never give up? He wasn't home, so give it up!  
  
"Harm? Please, open the door! I need to talk to you. Please, Harm. You can't avoid talking to me. We have to do it one day, so why not now. Harm?" Mac shouted from the other side of the door.  
  
'Oh no, Mac, we don't need to talk. There is nothing we should talk about. You have BugMe and I have my JD.' Harm tried to shut the pounding out of his brain and closed his eyes, despite the noise from Mac's pounding. After a few seconds, he drifted into a dreamless sleep.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Mac's apartment  
0119 Zulu (08:19 PM EST)  
  
What was happening here? No, the right question was: What was happening to Harm and her? He was so different since they came back from Russia and he didn't want to talk to her. Maybe he had a serious problem?! Maybe he was sick and he didn't want her to worry about it! But the truth was that he wouldn't tell her what it was. Not if she wouldn't try talking to him.   
  
With new energy, she stood up, took her keys and headed for the door. She wouldn't give up so easily, and Harm should know that!  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Harm's apartment  
0157 Zulu (08:57 PM EST)  
  
Harm woke up when he heard the pounding on the door. What time was it? He tried to look at his watch, but soon discovered that he couldn't read the numbers on it. They were blurry and so was the rest of his apartment. Before he did anything else, he took a swig out of the bottle and savored the feeling of the liquid.   
  
There was the pounding again. He knew who it was. Who else could it be than Mac?! Nobody would visit him now. He distanced himself from everybody he knew since his return from Russia. They shouldn't stay with a person like him. He wasn't worth the attention he was getting from some people, and that counted double for Mac. She shouldn't talk to him or visit him. She should stay at home with her Australian dingo and do whatever she wants to do with him!   
  
He admitted to himself some time ago that he was in love with Mac, but he wasn't one of those persons who would ruin a relationship between two people. Even if it was a relationship with BugMe! He would suffer a while, but it would be getting better soon. He would see her nearly everyday at the office and he would see them together on a few occasions. There could also be the chance that they would go to Australia and he wouldn't see them again. Well, that was the best option to him!   
  
Suddenly he heard a noise from his door and it wasn't the pounding. No, that stopped a few minutes ago. It sounded more like a...key? Who had a key to his apartment besides Renée?! Who was that? He turned his head in the direction of the door and saw Mac stepping inside.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
Mac knew that there was a spare key to Harm's apartment and she knew exactly where it was hidden. Harm once told her, when he was on the Patrick Henry and now she had the chance to use this knowledge for something more important than some stupid plants he doesn't even have!  
  
But as soon as she opened the door, she regretted it in a way. All her bad memories of her youth came back. The whole apartment smelled like a bar! She felt the urge to turn on her heel and run away, but something held her back. She never expected Harm's apartment to be like this. She knew it! Something wasn't right and it drove him to get drunk like this!   
  
She looked to the couch where Harm was sitting and noticed that he couldn't even focus on her. He was just looking and she was sure that he knew that it was her, but that he couldn't see her exactly. She knew how it felt and she recognized the look on his face. He was completely drunk.   
  
"Oh Harm!" Was the only thing she could say to him.  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
"What do you want here?" Came the reply in a slurred voice.  
  
"I was worried! You didn't want to talk to me anymore, you avoided me in every possible way and you wouldn't even open the door when I was here! What did you think I would do? Sit at home? You know I care a lot about you and I was worried sick that something could have happened tonight or that you were seriously ill!" By now, Mac was yelling at Harm who was still in the same position on his couch as before.  
  
"You shouldn't care about me. You have your Australian and he wouldn't like you to be here. You really should be with him right now and do things to him that I don't really wanna think about. So, go away!"  
  
Mac was stunned. How could he dare say something like that? She was so mad that she wanted to punch some sense into him this instant. But who knew what his reaction would be?   
  
Then she saw it. She looked deep into his eyes and saw something that she had never seen before. It was probably there, but she never looked for it. Was it love? Could it be possible that he was jealous? That must be the key! He was jealous of Mic, because he loved her, and now the new problems in Russia and his newfound brother... It was all too much for him!  
  
Mac took a few steps toward him and when she saw that he didn't back away, she took some more steps and sat down beside him. He simply stared into space and it was as if he forgot that she was there. She softly put an arm on his back and when she felt that he didn't move, she started to rub over his back. After a few seconds, she felt him relax.   
  
"You know, it is all too much for me." Harm suddenly started to talk. "First finding out that I have a brother, well, okay, a half-brother, then hearing about the things my Dad did, while he was in Russia. He never even tried to call us or write us a letter or to contact us in any other damn way! He just lived the rest of his life in Russia! Halfway around the world and we didn't even know about it! Why? Why did it happen? Why does life has to torture me like that? Nothing went right in my whole life! I wasn't allowed to fly after my crash and had to become a lawyer, then I had the chance to go back to flying, but I was told that I would never had a chance to be as good as the younger aviators. And my first trip to Russia - that was one of the worst ones I ever made! Everything was against me, and to top it all, I had to discover that my Dad died many years ago! So, who wants to torture me now? You, Mac? Do you want to torture me mentally? Do you want to blame me for something? Just say it! I'm already down, so you cannot do or say something that will hurt anymore."  
  
"Harm! Stop that right now! Nobody wants to hurt you! Neither mentally, nor physically! Would you just listen to what you are saying? You sound as if you want to be pitied by the whole world. But I can tell you what. This isn't about you. If you had learned from everything you had to endure in your life until now, you wouldn't do this! You wouldn't talk like that and you wouldn't even sit here and get drunk. You would do something to change your life. You would be somewhere else with somebody else right now and you would have fun. So, I will tell you one last time: Stop it!" Mac's voice rose with every sentence and she practically screamed the last words into Harm's face, who sat stunned on his sofa and only looked at Mac as if she was from outer space.   
  
"You are right. I should be somewhere else. That place should have a large bedroom and about two more rooms for children and a very large living room with a lovely chimney - not like this one here. And the place should have a big garden with many, many rose bushes and a nice, white picket fence." Harm spoke softly.  
  
"That was it what I meant. You really should have a family. Go out, meet someone and then start a family. I know that it is not as easy as it sounds, but you deserve to be happy. Please, Harm, do it for me, okay?"  
  
Mac knew that she wanted to be that 'someone' and that she wanted to live with him in that lovely house he just described, but she couldn't tell him at the moment. He would probably become angry, since she is still engaged to Mic. But that could be fixed. It wouldn't be easy, but she would manage. In fact, the marriage with Mic would never be a good one, because she loved only one man and he was sitting right beside her.  
  
"Oh, Sarah, I would do it for you. I would do everything for you. You should know that by now." He looked at her with so much love in his eyes that she had to look away. They could not do this now. First, they have to restore everything that was destroyed in the past 1 1/2 years and that would take a while. When that was done, they could work on their new relationship. "Sarah, would you please look at me?" Mac raised her eyes and looked directly into Harm's aquamarine ones. He gently bent forward, until their lips were nearly touching. Mac closed the distance and their lips met for the first time after Harm thought she was Diane. It was a soft kiss with no pressure from the both of them, but it was so pure and so full of love that it mirrored the feelings they had for each other. But Mac knew she should stop it before they got carried away.  
  
"Harm, we shouldn't do this..." Mac told him after she broke the kiss.  
  
"Why? I don't think of you as Diane, if you mean that. I never did. Oh, you mean because I was drunk before?! I didn't drink too much to get so drunk that I couldn't think straight anymore. It was just a little more than usual, and after your little speech before, all the alcohol went right out of my system to who-knows-where. So, bottom-line: I'm not so drunk. I can at least think very straight and I know perfectly well what I'm doing and who I'm doing this with." He spoke so fast that Mac had problems to follow him, but she succeeded to understand what he wanted to point out to her.  
  
"No, that's not the reason. It's just that we should work on our relationship instead of going too fast now. That won't be good, because there would be the danger of our relationship ending too soon and we don't want that, now, do we?! We have to go slowly and it will be fine in the end. Just a little patience and love from both of us. I know that you don't want to hear that now, but it is very important to me. And there is still my engagement to Mic. I have to talk to him and tell him everything, and you know him well enough to know that he won't be too fond of this new situation. I will talk to him the first thing in the morning. Could you wait until we both know that we are ready?"  
  
Harm let out a sigh and stood up to walk to the window. The rain was pouring down outside. When had it started to rain? He watched the tiny droplets dripping down the window frame and disappearing into the night. He thought about everything Mac had just said and tried to find a suitable answer. One that wouldn't upset Mac and told her exactly what he wanted to say to her. Suddenly a flash was lightening the apartment. "You are right, Sarah, it won't be wise to start a relationship now, so I am willing to wait." Harm started to say, but Mac hadn't heard anything because a loud thunder was cracking outside.  
  
"What did you say? The thunder was too loud. I'm sorry."  
  
"I said that you are right. We should wait until the time is right and I'm sure we both know when it is, won't we?!" Harm smiled at her.   
  
"Thank you, Harm! I knew that you would say that. I promise to try everything to make the waiting not too long!"  
  
With that, Mac stood up and went to Harm to embrace him.  
  
They stood like that for a few minutes. The rain outside and the warmth and love inside. Both thought about the future and how it would work out for them.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
The End (maybe a sequel)  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
